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Advice & Counselling

Welcome to the Advice and Counselling page. Please use this page to ask and questions you may have relating to family issues, relationships, personal problems and dilemmas etc. We will try our utmost bet to offer you guidance and advice that is in compliance to the shariah and will try and point you in the right direction to enable you to resolve your problems. Please be mindful of the shariah and implement modesty and respect for other individuals. If you have queries that concern other people that please refrain from mentioning the names of individuals in order to protect their privacy and to abstain from backbiting.

 
Question: if my friend who is in my family is doing something wrong and I found out from her friends shall i tell her or tell her parents?
Freeda (04/07/2010)
Answer:

Everyone of us has an individual duty to enjoin good and forbid evil (amr bil ma'roof and nahi anil munkar) and this is all the more emphasised with our family members. Allah says 'Wa anzir ashheratkal aqrabeen' meaning 'And warn your tribe of near kindred' All though this ayah was revealed to the Prophet (SAW) to command him to start open propagation of Islam to his family, the mufassireen have said that it also indicates that one has a greater responsibility to advocate Islam to family members to do good before others.

Part of what makes the ummah of the Prophet Muhammad  (SAW) unique and distinguished above all ummahs is that we have been entrusted with amr bil ma'roof and nahi anil munkar (enjoining what is good and forbidding evil) . The ahaadeeth on this are many and they show that we all have a responsibility here and it starts at home, then the extended relatives, neighbours etc. You have a duty as a Muslim to do what is in your ability to help your friend out here, especially as her parents are unaware.

The question is HOW? Pick out one or two members of the family who will start off with a talk. It has to be the starting point even if you think it won't work. One talk may not even ruffle her feathers but keep at it for a while supplementing it with acts of kindness appropriate to her likes and dislikes.

Maybe you can arrange some get-togethers with a few other cousins etc. or some friends who are practising. Use the girls get-together to bring some spirituality to the conversation. Talk about the issue she has a problem with indirectly and solutions to it, without making her feel you are hinting at her. e.g. If its a drug problem, talk about how a certain colleague had the problem and got over it by x, y,z and then talk about how everyone needs a high every now and then but people get them in different ways: zikr, quran, etc. Then steer the conversation towards how life is much sweeter without the worry of such and such a burden of sin.

At some point after the get-together, you can contact her again and see if you can bring her round to talking about the sins she is involved in. You will need to develop a connection with her on a personal level before you start expecting her to talk to you about what she's doing. It may take time.

At some point, if all of this doesn't work you may need to take her hand and walk her to a place where she can get help. If it is something to do with employment, then take her to a place where she can consider alternative employment options or further courses. If it's a bad habit then taking up alternative hobbies and engrossing yourself in them when you are tempted distracts from the things that are bad for you.

When someone is totally absorbed in the sin they are committing, just telling them to stop will never help. You have to give reason why it's wrong, scare them a bit with the punishment for it and above all you have to offer an alternative. You can't just stop doing it (unless you have the willpower) without replacing it with something else halal.

Above all, make dua for her hidayat. Tell her parents to do dua for her. A mothers duas are always answered as they come from the heart and are truly sincere. The more desperately you care, the more likely you will plead in your dua.

 

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Question: can a married woman visit her own mehram family members anytime she wants?can the husband refuse permission just because he thinks its a waste of time sitting about gossiping with the women of the house?
Hippy (04/07/2010)
Answer:

She is entitled to visit them once a week. If she is just visiting, sitting and talking about general everyday stuff then he should not have a problem with that, as it is permissible to do so. We can't always be expected to make every single conversation a topic of deen and we visit our parents to keep them company, make them happy and help out around the house when needed. We don't visit to preach to them.

As long she is not engaging in backbiting, lying, slander or causing mischief amongst relatives etc then he should not fuss about what they talk about.

A married woman receives much pleasure and satisfaction from visiting her parents and vice versa. Although, he may have her best interests at heart, he cannot be so controlling that he needs to approve her conversations with her parents.

Having said that, to keep the peace in the house, she should try not to go out to meet them, unless he is happy with it. She should work on trying to make him understand before she goes against his wishes.

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Question: What are the rights of a husband and wife? Does a woman need to obey her husband?
Saiqa (04/07/2010)
Answer:

Allah has made men and women different in Islam and both of them have responsibilities towards each other. The misconception that many people have is that just because a woman is told to obey her husband she is deemed inferior. This is defiantly not the case in Islam. Islam give women many rights that show she is to be respected and has a status in her own right. But to make the family home work well, one person has to be put in charge to manage the situation and this responsibility is given to the husband. It is a trust that he will be questioned about on the Last Day so he should not abuse this responsibility.

A woman obeys him and this is how the constitution of marriage flourishes.  There are many ahaadeeth that indicate towards this. A few of which are:

Rasoolullah
(SAW)
said ‘If I were to command anyone to prostrate to anyone else, I would command a woman to prostrate to her husband due to the greatness of his right over her.’ (Tirmidhi)

Sayyadina Abu Hurairah
(RA) asked the Messenger of Allah (SAW) ‘Which woman is the most virtuous (the best)?’ He  (SAW)
replied, ‘The one pleases him when he gazes at her, obeys him when he commands her, and does not oppose him with regards to herself and her wealth in that which is disliked by him.’ (Narrated by Nasai/ Bayhaqi)

Rasoolullah
 (SAW)
said, ‘The right of the husband on the wife is that when he calls her, she should respond to him even if she is mounted on the back of a camel. From the rights of the husband on the wife is that she should not fast voluntarily without his permission. If she does so, she will be hungry and thirsty but her fasting will not be accepted. She should not leave the house except with his permission. If she does do so, the angels in the sky, the angels of mercy and the angels of punishment will curse her until she returns.’

It is stated in Bidaayah that the ayah ‘
And they (women) have rights similar to those (of men) over them in kindness, and men are a degree above them. Allah is Mighty, Wise. (Surah Baqarah: 228)
indicates the necessity of obedience to the husband.

In addition to the above,
the example of Sayyidah Umm Sulaym
(RA) is probably one of the most inspiring stories of the extent of the sahabiyat’s consideration for the comfort and contentment of her husband. Her endurance of distress at the death of a child for the sake of her husband’s solace is so admirable a feat that amazes me every time I think of it.

Below is a list of responsibilities of a husband and wife. It is comprehensive, but by no means complete:


The responsibilities of a husband:
1. To maintain good disposition with her
2. To tolerate offence from her, albeit moderately
3. To be moderate in ghayrah (possessivness/ protection of honour) so that he is neither suspicious nor negligent.
4. To be moderate in spending upon her so he is neither miserly not extravagant in allowing expenses
5. To seek knowledge of menstruation etc and teach her, to encourage salah and practice upon her religion, to prevent her from innovations and prohibitions
6. If he has multiple wives then to fulfil their rights with equality
7. To have intercourse with her, as per her need
8. To refrain from practising coitus interruptus without her permission
9. To desist from divorcing her without reason
10. To provide adequate accommodation
11. To allow her to visit her mahram relatives (male and female)
12. To conceal the secrets of intercourse and other intimacies shared with her
13. To refrain from excessively beating her

The wife’s responsibilities towards her husband
1. To obey him in every matter, as long is does not lead to sinful acts
2. To refrain from demanding more sustenance beyond his means
3. To refrain from permitting anyone to enter the house without his permission
4. To refrain from leaving the house without his permission
5. To refrain from spending on anyone from his wealth without his permission
6. To refrain from offering optional prayers and fast without his permission
7. To refrain from refusing intercourse, except with a valid shari reason (i.e. menstruation)
8. To refrain from considering him inferior due to his lack of wealth or good looks
9. To discourage him from sin in a respectable manner
10. To call him using a name that pleases him

11. To refrain from brazenly complaining of him
12. To refrain from retorting to him audaciously
13. To refrain from showing disregard to his relatives

One thing that both should remember is that if one of the spouses gives up fulfilling his/her rights, this does not automatically absolve the other from continuing to fulfill his/her own responsibilities. I have seen many couples where the reason the marital differences escalate into mountainous problems is because of the attitude of ‘If he/she doesn’t fulfill my rights why should I fulfill what is due on me.’

The rights and responsibilities are set by Allah and his Messenger
(SAW) and a couple should endeavor to fulfill them for the sake of Allah, even if they cannot bring themselves to do it for each other.

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Question: Are you alowed to swear in Islam? Is it a sin?
amina (04/07/2010)
Answer:

Allah says in the Quran:

 

O you who believe! No men should ever mock at other men, since it is possible that the latter are better than the former, nor (should) women (ever mock) at other women, since it is possible that the latter women are better than the former ones. And do not find fault with one another, nor call one another with bad nicknames. Bad is the name of sinfulness after embracing Faith. And whoever does not repent, such people are the wrongdoers.[Surah Hujrat: 11]

 

 

Amongst other things, this ayah points out the prohibition of calling people bad names. To speak ill of people to their face and use derogatory and insulting swear words is not befitting of a Muslim and only shows the ill manners and brashness of the person who is swearing. The person who the swear words are directed at is not harmed at all, but the person swearing gains the displeasure of Allah and loses his respect amongst people.

 

As Muslims we follow the example of the best of Allah’s servants. The Prophet (SAW) and his companions would never resort to profanity, foul and indecent language even when they were treated terribly by others. 

 

It is unfortunate that nowadays, the Muslim ummah lets swear words and vulgarities slip from his tongue without even giving it much importance because he is so accustomed to using bad language. But in the eyes if Allah it is very severe.

 

The Prophet (SAW) has warned us not to trivialise the small indecencies that our tongue utters in a state of negligence because on the Last Day we will have to account for all of these words spoken. He (SAW) says ‘Verily, a person will say something that pleases Allah, without giving it any importance, due to which Allah will raise his ranks.  And, verily, a person will say something that will anger Allah, without giving it any importance, due to which he will fall into the Hellfire.’

 

Therefore we as Muslims should abstain from this bad habit to preserve our own honour and keep away from the displeasure of Allah.

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Question: I am an adult aged thirty three and hoping to do hifz of quran. I know you teach childen but can you accomodate an adult.
shibbir (09/05/2010)
Answer:

Assalamulaykum.w.w.

It would not be practical to facilitate an adult into the children's classes but we may be able to arrange something for you separately. If you contact the Madrasah by phone and arrange an appointment to meet the teachers, we can determine whether this is will be practical and worthwhile set up.

Please call 07736442376 or 572392

Jazakumullah.

 

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Question: a guy gave me his addresss to see him he wanted to see me he came into my house we didnt do any thing he wanted to see who i was i know that is a sin what does islamsays about tjis situation i have this guilt and how do i repent i did the biggest mistake and i wish i was forgiven
salma (03/02/2010)
Answer:

 Allah Ta’ala commands us to stay away from action that will lead us towards sin. He says: 'And come not even close to Zina. Indeed it is obscenity and a most evil way.' (Al-Isra’: 33) Therefore arranging to meet a non mehram male, even if you did not end up doing anything except talking is still a major sin in the eyes of Allah.

There is a hadeeth of the Prophet (SAW) in Bukhari, where he says 'Lustful glances constitute Zina of the eyes. Listening (to flirtations or lewd talks or songs) constitute Zina of the ears. (Licentious and lewd) speech constitutes Zina of the tongue. The (lustful) grip of the hand constitutes its Zina, and the movement of the feet (toward the act of Zina) is likewise. The heart lusts and desires. These are then either fulfilled by the private parts or rejected.”

Once you have acknowledged that you committed sin, then the you are on your way to being forgiven.Deep regret over a sin is the second step of true repentance. MashaAllah, you sound as if you truly regret your mistake. To repent, you must first leave the sin (which you have obviously done). Then you must truly regret the sin. And you must firmly resolve to never repeat it again.

 When begging Allah Ta’ala for his forgiveness, try to be as sincere as possible. Set aside some time to think about your sin and how it must have angered Allah. Try to feel really sad that you disobeyed the simple commands of the One who only wants what is best for us, who loves us, and who is so generous to us. Think about what would have happened if you had died while actually performing the sin, or soon afterwards, before you had time to truly repent.

 When you repent, try to incorporate all the things that you know Allah loves. Perform a perfect wud’hu, wear clean clothes,  offer 2 rak’ah of salah, then sitting respectfully on your prayer mat, facing the Qibla as you pray and beg Allah for forgiveness.

 Keep reminding yourself of the terrible punishment you could have received had you not repented. Feel that fear! Afterwards, allow yourself to feel hope and happiness. If you were truly repentant, Allah has already erased that sin from your book of deeds, and you have a perfectly clean page again! Alhamdulillah.

Next time, dear sister, please listen to your heart, which always feels uncomfortable when we are contemplating sin. Ask yourself: I know Allah is watching me. Am I happy to do this act with Allah watching?  

May Allah keep us all from sin. Ameen.

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Question: Assalaamu Alaikum i was contemplating the prospect of getting married for a second time for various reasons but with a noble intention.Do i need to seek the consent of my current wife?
Shabbir (09/10/2009)
Answer:

Although you do not need to seek the permission of your first wife, there is hikmah (wisdom) in doing so. If her permission is not forthcoming then at least marry with her knowledge.

Most women will become jealous and distressed by the thought of their husband taking another partner so if you approach the situation as gently as possible, making your first wife fully aware of the reasons you are marrying again and letting her have her way in some state of affairs, you will reduce the feelings of deception that she may experience.

It is a testing relationship to be the husband of two wives and I urge you to equip yourself with the knowledge of your duties towards your wives before you take this step. It is for the god fearing, able, just man. May Allah make you from amongst them.

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Question: I''m constantly feeling upset and sad im always crying and cant seem to stop... nothings happend but small things keep triggering me i''v had a somewhat hard youth but this is silly i dont know what to do? I just keep wishing i was far away from everyone i know... i''m scared as i''m having bad thoughts abut hurting myself. please help.
lost soul (30/09/2009)
Answer:

Jazakallah for your email.

 

Without much information on your gender, age, life circumstances etc., it is difficult to figure out the reason for your negative feelings. Are these feelings new to you, or have they been consistent over a period of time or do you feel you have constantly suffered highs and lows over the years?

If you have felt this way for a long time then do you have closes family members who you can share your feelings with? Maybe someone who knows you well and who you are close to can see why your are suffering?

 

The thing to realise is this: you are not alone. This can be interpreted in two ways.

Firstly, what you are feeling is not abnormal. Many of us will go through phases in our life when we feel utterly overcome with feelings of frustration and sadness. These times usually arise at times of our life when we become too engrossed in pondering over all that is wrong in our lives rather than leaving situations to Allah.

 

We often feel upset when we compare our lives to others and only see the apparent contentment in their lives, whereas in reality most people on the face of this earth will at this point have some sort of major or minor difficulty they are dealing with. So do not feel alone in your grief and sadness.

 

Secondly, the way out of grief is to realise that your sadness is like a dark room you are in. No furniture to provide comfort, no light to clarify the way forward- only the harsh floor and stark walls that are representative of the difficulties you have suffered in your youth. But there is one thing in that room that has always been there, and that is a door. A door that is closed but unlocked and this door is your way out of this depressing room. Beyond the door is light, contentment, guidance and companionship. This door is representative of your relationship with Allah. Just like this closed, unlocked door- Allah has always been there for you; for you to seek guidance from, ask for happiness and contentment from and to be your friend. All you need to do to is gather the strength to stand up and walk towards the right direction and turn the door knob.

To find Allah’s guidance and support you need to walk towards him, by calling Him, praying to Him. This will open up the closed door.

 

There are times when we become too preoccupied with what is wrong and forget that any difficulties, trials and tribulations we have are momentary and WILL pass. There is no benefit in worrying about future situations that are beyond our knowledge or brooding over past difficulties that Allah has already rewarded us for. We cannot change situations. It is best to ask guidance from Him, who controls all situations.  The one thing for sure is that we will die, and the one thing that is definite is that Allah's bounty and love is everlasting. If you are sick, He heals you. If you have no money, He will provide. If you have no faith, He will show you the way to increase your faith. If you are lonely, He keeps you company. If you are afraid, He will keep you safe. If we ask, we will receive. OK, that sounds simple, and it is. But we are such complicated people, and when we don't get what we want when we want it, we fall in depression. We don't see the bigger picture. Remember, Allah keeps his promises. Everything that we go through is a test from Allah and the life of a Muslim with all its ups and downs is a trial in this world in order to attain the next.

 

The solution for you is to occupy yourself in Allah’s remembrance. When you feel the negative thoughts kicking in begin reciting His name, the kalimah and Durood. It will surely guide you away from influence of Shaytan who is only trying to sadden you. Allah says in the Quran that ‘Behold, it is the remembrance of Allah that hearts find contentment.’  This is your solution.

 

When you feel the tears coming for no reason, make use of the tears! Sit down on your prayer mat

or raise your hands in supplication and talk to Allah. Repeat His name through your tears and beg Him and humble yourself before Him like a child clinging to it’s mothers skirt. Allah is more merciful than all of mankind and by crying in duaa, your tears of sadness and frustration will be converted into priceless gems as the Prophet SAW has said  "The face that gets wet with the smallest drop of tear from the fear of Allah is safe from entrance into the fire of Hell."

 

Lastly, please do not at all resort to self harm. What good will it do? Will physical pain take away the emotional pain? Of course not. It will just add to it and make you heart heavier. Your body is not yours to mutilate or destroy. If you harm yourself you are committing sin and furthering yourself from Allah’s mercy.

 

May Allah be with you. I pray that Allah guide you out of your grief and bestow upon you the ability to seek His support at times at all times.

 

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Question: I married my cousin brother and i live together wih my inlaws. My mother inlaw is always trying to downgrade me because i do not tell her things that me and my husband talk about. She has gone to the extent of bad mouthing my family and tried black magic on me. Recently i just had a baby and now they want me to divource my husband so they can keep my child. I have talked to my husband about this but his is helpless as it is hi parents and is supporting me the best way he can.They take away all my husbands income so we cant even move out. What shall i do?
Sajda (07/08/2009)
Answer:

 

Assalamualaykum.w.w. Sister,

You have mentioned many different difficulties you are dealing with at the moment with regards to your mother in law. Insha allah, I will try to address them all and try to offer ways in which you can lighten the burden you face, but before that I would just like to say that it is admirable that you have endured this unacceptable behaviour up until now. Do not feel that you have had to put up with so many problems for nothing because enduring difficulties is most rewarding. The Prophet (SAW) has said ‘Whenever a Muslim is afflicted by harm from sickness or other matters, Allah will drop his sins because of that, like a tree drops its leaves.’ This hadeeth shows that whatever you put up with will not be wasted and you will be rewarded for patience in the hereafter.

 

Your mother-in-law speaks to you in a derogatory way. It appears that she intentionally wants to hurt your feelings and provoke a response from you by saying hurtful things about you, and when that does not have the desired effect she moves onto your family. This is condemnable behaviour and is not condoned in Islam. To hurt a Muslim, whether they are a close family member or a stranger is a major sin. The Prophet (SAW) says, ‘A Muslim is the one from whose hands and tongue other Muslims are safe.’ [Tirmidhi]. Indeed to hurt a close member of family holds stronger chastisement in the eyes of Allah as Allah has deemed it an important element of faith to be good to family members.

 

The best way you can tackle this type of behaviour is to deal with in the following way:

·         The best you can do in such a situation is to ignore it. Let her rant on about what ever she wants and tell yourself ‘She is like a person with an illness or a misbehaving child – she can’t help herself, but I’m just going to ignore it and when she starts  saying these things I’m going to take my mind elsewhere: think of a holiday in my mind, redecorate my bedroom in my head, buy myself a new outfit.....’ -anything to distract you.

·         Move away from her and into another room. If she follows you, walk away again.

·         If this does not help then tell her clearly that you will not listen to her saying these things to you anymore. Tell in clear terms, but try to maintain a respectful position. It may seem difficult to stand up to her, but unless you show her what you will and will not tolerate, she will continue to push the boundaries with you to see what you will react to.

 

You say your mother-in-law has tried black magic against you and is now trying to break up your marriage and take charge of your child- have she expressed this in words? If so, then this is a very serious move on her part. Shaitaan will always try to cause friction between husband and wife and will use relatives to accomplish his deeds. Your mother-in-law needs to see that she is ruining the life of her son and grandchild by pushing you away and trying to cause you harm. This must stop immediately.  

 

You say your husband cannot say anything to her because she is his mum- this is where you are wrong and if this issue is tackled then insha-allah, many of your problems will be resolved. The root of the problem is your husband’s failure to face this situation. I admit, he is in a difficult position as showing respect to your mother is vital to gain Allah’s pleasure, but at the same time he is responsible for you and responsible for your well-being. If he lets your mother-in-law continue to abuse you in this way then he will be sinful for allowing this to happen. He should be the one to speak to his mother.

 

He should approach her one day when you are not around, sit by her feet and converse with her with respect and care. He should begin by discussing other matters then move onto the subject of her mistreatment of you. He should explain to her that he loves you and by hurting you: she is hurting him. The only way he can be happy is if she stops treating to you in this way. He should explain that you left your parents and family to live with him and to be a good wife to him and that you deserve to be treated as a member of the family.

He should speak to his mother repeatedly and if the situation does not improve you and your husband should move out and find a place of your own. There you will not be hampered  by your mother-in-law’s bad ways. This may seem an extreme move, but if any of the other ways do not work then Islam does not say you need to continue to suffer in this way. You also have rights and feelings and they need to be addressed.

If you do chose to move out, you should initially try and chose a place near your mother-in-law so your husband (and yourself) can visit her regularly and tend to her should the need the arise.

 

It is also an obligation upon your husband to provide for you and your child financially. If your mother in law takes all husband’s income this is not right. Allah says: " And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses, etc.) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect, etc.) to what is reasonable". [2:228] Your husband should give her a percentage of your income to cover her expenses and use the rest to maintain you and your child. Unless he takes the initiative, this matter cannot be resolved.

 

Finally, with regards to the black magic you should recite manzil every morning and evening and the duaa below three times every morning and evening:

 

Bismillahil ladhi laa yadhurru ma’a ismihi shay-un fil ardhi wa la fissama-i wa huwas same un aleem

 

Throughout everything, the best course of action is to continue to ask Allah for help to resolve this situation. After every fardh salah, make dua in earnest to Allah as this is the time when duas are accepted.  No plan or course of action, however fool-proof will work without Allah’s will and He says: "And your Lord says: 'Call on Me; I will answer your (prayer)..." [40:60]

 

When things are particularly unbearable offer two rakahs of nafl salah-allah will help you cope with your situation better and give you inner peace.

 

May Allah help you in your situation. 

 

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Question: I often become angry with my family members over little things. I find it hard to control my temper and feel that my actions are getting worse as the days go by. please tell me some ways of managing anger from the Prophet''s examples and advice.
mrmotivator (31/07/2009)
Answer:

Advice On Dealing With Anger

Becoming angry when things don’t go your way will never help you resolve a situation. Instead it will increase our frustration and discontent. You need to remind yourself that your family will only put up with a limited amount of your temper . After that, one of three things will happen: 

(1)   they will begin to despise your attitude towards them and any respect and honour you have as father of the household will diminish day by day.

(2)   They will become so weary and frightened by your temper that they will chose to avoid spending time with you or discussing issued with you as they will fear your reaction.

(3)   They will become immune to your temper tantrums not be affected by the instances when you really need to lose your anger.

Anger is one of the evil whispers of Shaytan and leads to sin and heartache.. For this reason Islam has a great deal to say about controlling your anger, and the Prophet (SAW) described cures for this “disease” and ways to limit its effects, among which are the following:

(1) Seeking refuge with Allah from the Shaytan:

Sulayman ibn Sard said: “I was sitting with the Prophet (saws), and two men were slandering one another. One of them was red in the face, and the veins on his neck were standing out. The Prophet (saws) said, ‘I know a word which, if he were to say it, what he feels would go away. If he said “I seek refuge with Allah from the Shaytan,” what he feels (i.e., his anger) would go away.’” (Reported by al-Bukhari, al-Fath, 6/337)

The Prophet (saws) said: “If a man gets angry and says, ‘I seek refuge with Allah,’ his anger will go away.” (Saheeh al-Jaami‘ al-Sagheer, no. 695)

(2) Keeping silent:

The Messenger of Allah (saws) said: “If any of you becomes angry, let him keep silent.” (Reported by Imam Ahmad, al-Musnad, 1/329; see also Sahih al-Jaami‘, 693, 4027)

This is because in most cases, the angry person loses self control and could utter words of kufr (from which we seek refuge with Allah), or curses, or the word of divorce (talaaq) which would destroy his home, or words of slander which would bring him the enmity and hatred of others. So, in short, keeping silent is the solution which helps one to avoid all that.

(3) Not moving:

The Messenger of Allah (saws) said: “If any of you becomes angry and he is standing, let him sit down, so his anger will go away; if it does not go away, let him lie down.”

The narrator of this hadeeth is Abu Dharr (may Allah be pleased with him), and there is a story connected to his telling of it: he was taking his camels to drink at a trough that he owned, when some other people came along and said (to one another), “Who can compete with Abu Dharr (in bringing animals to drink) and make his hair stand on end?” A man said, “I can,” so he brought his animals and competed with Abu Dharr, with the result that the trough was broken. (i.e., Abu Dharr was expecting help in watering his camels, but instead the man misbehaved and caused the trough to be broken). Abu Dharr was standing, so he sat down, then he laid down. Someone asked him, “O Abu Dharr, why did you sit down then lie down?” He said: “The Messenger of Allah (saws) said: . . .” and quoted the hadeeth. (The hadeeth and this story may be found in Musnad Ahmad, 5/152; see also Sahih al-Jaami‘, no. 694).

According to another report, Abu Dharr was watering his animals at the trough, when another man made him angry, so he sat down . . . (Fayd al-Qadeer, al-Manaawi, 1/408)

Among the benefits of this advice given by the Prophet (saws) is the fact that it prevents the angry person from going out of control, because he could strike out and injure someone, or even kill - as we will find out shortly - or he could destroy possessions and so on. Sitting down makes it less likely that he will become overexcited, and lying down makes it even less likely that he will do something crazy or harmful. Al-‘Allaamah al-Khattaabi, may Allah have mercy on him, said in his commentary on Aboo Daawood: “One who is standing is in a position to strike and destroy, while the one who is sitting is less likely to do that, and the one who is lying down can do neither. It is possible that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) told the angry person to sit down or lie down so that he would not do something that he would later regret. And Allah knows best.”(Sunan Abee Daawood, with Ma‘aalim al-Sunan, 5/141)

(4) Following the advice of the Prophet (saws):

Abu Hurayrah, may Allah be pleased with him, reported that a man said to the Prophet (saws), “Advise me.” He said, “Do not become angry.” The man repeated his request several times, and each time the Prophet (saws) told him, “Do not become angry.”(Reported by al-Bukhari, Fath al-Baaree, 10/456)

According to another report, the man said: “I thought about what the Prophet (saws) said, and I realized that anger combines all kinds of evil.”(Musnad Ahmad, 5/373)

(5) Do not become angry and Paradise will be yours (a saheeh hadeeth, see Saheeh al-Jaam‘, 7374. Ibn Hajr attributed it to al-Tabaraanee, see al-Fath 4/465):

Remembering what Allah has promised to the righteous (muttaqeen) who keep away from the causes of anger and struggle within themselves to control it, is one of the most effective ways of extinguishing the flames of anger. One of the ahaadeeth that describe the great reward for doing this is: “Whoever controls his anger at the time when he has the means to act upon it, Allah will fill his heart with contentment on the Day of Resurrection.”(Reported by al-Tabaraanee, 12/453, see also Sahih al-Jaami‘, 6518)

Another great reward is described in the Prophet’s (saws) words: “Whoever controls his anger at the time when he has the means to act upon it, Allah will call him before all of mankind on the Day of Resurrection, and will let him choose of the Hoor al-‘Ayn whoever he wants.”(Reported by Aboo Daawood, 4777, and others. It is classified as hasan in Sahih al-Jaami‘, 6518).

(6) Knowing the high status and advantages offered to those who control themselves:

The Messenger of Allah (saws) said: “The strong man is not the one who can overpower others (in wrestling); rather, the strong man is the one who controls himself when he gets angry.” (Reported by Ahmad, 2/236; the hadeeth is agreed upon) . The greater the anger, the higher the status of the one who controls himself. The Prophet (saws) said: “The strongest man is the one who, when he gets angry and his face reddens and his hackles rise, is able to defeat his anger.” (Reported by Imam Ahmad, 5/367, and classified as hasan in Saheeh al-Jaami‘, 3859)

Anas reported that the Prophet (saws) passed by some people who were wrestling. He asked, “What is this?” They said: “So-and-so is the strongest, he can beat anybody.” The Prophet (saws) said, “Shall I not tell you who is even stronger then him? The man who, when he is mistreated by another, controls his anger, has defeated his own Shaytan and the Shaytan of the one who made him angry.”(Reported by al-Bazzaar, and Ibn Hajr said its isnaad is saheeh. Al-Fath, 10/519)

(7) Following the Prophet’s (saws) example in the case of anger:

The Prophet (saws) is our leader and has set the highest example in this matter, as is recorded in a number of ahaadeeth. One of the most famous was reported by Anas, may Allah be pleased with him, who said: “I was walking with the Messenger of Allah (saws), and he was wearing a Najraanee cloak with a rough collar. A Bedouin came and seized him roughly by the edge of his cloak, and I saw the marks left on his neck by the collar. Then the Bedouin ordered him to give him some of the wealth of Allaah that he had. The Prophet (saws) turned to him and smiled, then ordered that he should be given something.”(Agreed upon. Fath al-Baaree, 10/375)

Another way in which we can follow the example of the Prophet (saws) is by making our anger for the sake of Allah, when His rights are violated. This is the kind of anger which is praiseworthy. So the Prophet (saws) became angry when he was told about the imam who was putting people off the prayer by making it too long; when he saw a curtain with pictures of animate creatures in ‘Aa’ishah’s house; when Usaamah spoke to him about the Makhzoomee woman who had been convicted of theft, and he said “Do you seek to intervene concerning one of the punishments prescribed by Allah?”; when he was asked questions that he disliked, and so on. His anger was purely for the sake of Allah.

(8) Knowing that resisting anger is one of the signs of righteousness (taqwaa):

The righteous (al-muttaqoon) are those praised by Allah in the Qur'an and by His Messenger (saws). Paradise as wide as heaven and earth has been prepared for them. One of their characteristics is that they (interpretation of the meaning) “spend (in Allah's Cause) in prosperity and in adversity, [they] repress anger, and [they] pardon men; verily, Allah loves al-muhsinoon (the good-doers).” [Aal ‘Imraan 3:134]

These are the ones whose good character and beautiful attributes and deeds Allaah has mentioned, and whom people admire and want to emulate. One of their characteristics is that (interpretation of the meaning) “. . . when they are angry, they forgive.” [al-Shooraa 42:47]

(9) Listening to reminders:

Anger is a part of human nature, and people vary in their anger. It may be difficult for a man not to get angry, but sincere people will remember Allah when they are reminded, and they will not overstep the mark. Some examples follow:

Ibn ‘Abbaas (may Allah be pleased with him) reported that a man sought permission to speak to 'Umar ibn al-Khattaab (may Allah be pleased with him), then he said: “O son of al-Khattaab, you are not giving us much and you are not judging fairly between us.” ‘Umar (may Allah be pleased with him) was so angry that he was about to attack the man, but al-Hurr ibn Qays, who was one of those present, said: “O Ameer al-Mu’mineen, Allah said to His Prophet (saws) (interpretation of the meaning): ‘Show forgiveness, enjoin what is good, and turn away from the foolish’ [al-A‘raaf 7:199]. This man is one of the foolish.” By Allah, ‘Umar could go no further after al-Hurr had recited this aayah to him, and he was a man who was careful to adhere to the Book of Allah.(Reported by al-Bukhari, al-Fath, 4/304).

This is how the Muslim should be. The evil munaafiq (hypocrite) was not like this when he was told the hadeeth of the Prophet (saws) and one of the Companions said to him, “Seek refuge with Allah from the Shaytan.” He said to the one who reminded him, “Do you think I am crazy? Go away!”(Reported by al-Bukhari, al-Fath, 1/465). We seek refuge with Allah from failure.

(10) Knowing the bad effects of anger:

The negative effects of anger are many; in short they cause damage to one’s own self and to others. The angry person may utter words of slander and obscenity, he may attack others (physically) in an uncontrolled manner, even to the point of killing. The following story contains a valuable lesson:

‘Ilqimah ibn Waa’il reported that his father (may Allah be pleased with him) told him: “I was sitting with the Prophet (saws) when a man came to him leading another man by a rope. He said, ‘O Messenger of Allah, this man killed my brother.’ The Messenger of Allah (saws) asked him, ‘Did you kill him?’ He said, ‘Yes, I killed him.’ He asked, ‘How did you kill him?’ He said, ‘He and I were hitting a tree to make the leaves fall, for animal feed, and he slandered me, so I struck him on the side of the head with an axe, and killed him.’ . . .” (Reported by Muslim, 1307, edited by al-Baaqi).

Anger could lead to less than killing, such as wounding and breaking bones. If the one who caused the anger runs away, the angry person turns his anger in on himself, so he may tear his clothes, or strike his cheeks, or have a fit, or fall unconscious, or he may break dishes and plates, or break furniture.

In the worst cases, anger results in social disasters and the breaking of family ties, i.e., divorce. Ask many of those who divorced their wives, and they will tell you: it was in a moment of anger. This divorce results in misery for the children, regret and frustration, a hard and difficult life, all as a result of anger. If they had remembered Allah, come to their senses, restrained their anger and sought refuge with Allah, none of this would have happened. Going against the Shariah only results in loss.

The damage to health that results from anger can only be described by doctors, such as thrombosis, high blood pressure, tachycardia (abnormally rapid heartbeat) and hyperventilation (rapid, shallow breathing), which can lead to fatal heart attacks, diabetes, etc. We ask Allah for good health.

(11) The angry person should think about himself during moments of anger:

If the angry person could see himself in the mirror when he is angry, he would hate himself and the way he looks. If he could see the way he changes, and the way his body and limbs shake, how his eyes glare and how out of control and crazy his behaviour is, he would despise himself and be revolted by his own appearance. It is well-known that inner ugliness is even worse than outer ugliness; how happy the Shaytan must be when a person is in this state! We seek refuge with Allah from the Shaytan and from failure.

(12) Du‘aa’:

Du'a’ is always the weapon of the believer, whereby he asks Allah to protect him from evil, trouble and bad behaviour and seeks refuge with Him from falling into the pit of kufr or wrongdoing because of anger. One of the three things that can help save him is: being fair at times of contentment and of anger (Saheeh al-Jaami‘, 3039). One of the du‘aa’s of the Prophet (saws) was:

“O Allah, by Your knowledge of the Unseen and Your power over Your creation, keep me alive for as long as You know life is good for me, and cause me to die when You know death is good for me. O Allah, I ask You to make me fear You in secret and in public, and I ask You to make me speak the truth in times of contentment and of anger. I ask You not to let me be extravagant in poverty or in prosperity. I ask You for continuous blessings, and for contentment that does not end. I ask You to let me accept Your decree, and for a good life after death. I ask You for the joy of seeing Your face and for the longing to meet You, without going through diseases and misguiding fitnah (trials). O Allah, adorn us with the adornment of faith and make us among those who are guided. Praise be to Allah, the Lord of the Worlds.”

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Question: My parents have arranged for me to get married to my cousin from back home. I am unhappy about this but they don''t care about my feelings. I feel like the only way out is to leave home but I''m scared to take this step. what should I do????
Lonesoul (31/07/2009)
Answer:

Dear Sister,

You are faced with a very difficult decision and I sympathise with the anxiety it must be causing you. This is a question of your entire future and not one that can be taken lightly, without the right advice or without the consultation of elders and friends or family who are sincere and sensible. Therefore please do not rush into a situation based only upon what your heart is telling you.

Although at the moment you cannot understand your parents decision to marry you to a complete stranger, there may come a time when you- maybe don’t understand their stance- but at least appreciate that they had a difficult decision to make and ended up choosing the wrong solution. This doesn’t necessarily mean they are out to ruin your future. It simply means they considered different factors when they made their decision. You will decide who you want to spend the rest of your life with based on factors such as attraction, looks, compatibility, sense of humour, shared interests

 etc., all of which, to an extent, are important criteria, but your parents are more likely to consider family background, employment prospects, respect and civility, stability and dependability.

The first thing to understand is that your parents are probably forcing you because they think this is what is right for you and they are trying to look at it long term. To their understanding, the cousin from Pakistan is more likely to stick with you until the end, will fit in better with the family (and you with his family) and will provide security and stability for you.

It does not necessarily mean they are opposing your wishes intentionally and it is important that you recognise that your parents are not your enemy. They brought you up, fed you, clothed you and loved you and want the best for you. You are just in conflict about what the best is.

In order to divert from heated arguments, tears and words best left unspoken, try getting results by first of all speaking to your parents calmly. Without shouting and yelling your point across, ask to speak to them both at a time when they are most amenable and alone. Maybe in the evening or when you are alone with your mother in the morning. Explain clearly and respectfully that you have tried to accept your future with your cousin but cannot make convince yourself. You realise your parents are strongly for the marriage but you would like them to know that your answer is no. You do not want to marry him and if your parents still insist on going ahead then this is a forced marriage.

This may seem very obvious, but you would be surprised at how many girls don’t actually make it clear to their parents that they are unhappy with the situation. Many girls expect their parents to know, by the daughter’s reactions and facial expressions, but you need to verbalise your dissatisfaction clearly if you want to be taken seriously. Also, many parents will not feel comfortable forcing their daughters after such a clear show of unhappiness.

If this does not work then you will need to get the support of a family member or friend. Choose an individual who is already quite close to the family as your parents will not sympathise with you if they regard that you have disclosed family secrets and you do not want to add to your parents discontent.

If none of these measures work and you decide to exercise the right that Allah has given you to chose your own partner and make up your mind to leave home then please do istikhara first. By seeking the guidance of Allah, you will never go wrong and good will come out of all situations. You can learn more about how to do istikhara here.

Throughout everything, remain firm in your belief that it is only Allah who can help. Allah has the power to change the hearts and minds of each and every one of us and you should continue to pray and seek his help as this is your strongest weapon.  Pray two rakahs of salatul hajah every day and pray that Allah decides for you in what is best for you in this world and the hereafter. Talk to Allah in your duas, pour your heart out to Him and beg Him for His help; He will always help those who ask.

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